Here’s everything men will never understand about being a woman

Actress Saoirse Ronan has rightly been praised for speaking up about women’s safety – but it’s not the only thing that preoccupies us

It’s been a week since Saoirse Ronan silenced a sofa of A-list manspreaders on The Graham Norton Show, who had no idea that women routinely regard their phones as a possible weapon they could use in self-defence.
“If someone attacked me, I’m not going to go ‘phone!’,” said Paul Mescal, joking about the point of being taught to use a mobile phone as a weapon in preparation for his new TV role in The Day of the Jackal.
“That’s what girls have to think about all the time,” cut in Ronan, shutting the mirth down by way of sober reality check.
While all chaps everywhere are checking their privilege (we hope), their womenfolk have been inundating Ronan with appreciative messages, expressing their gratitude for speaking truth to power on primetime.
So while we’re on the subject, here are a few other female facticles that out of necessity preoccupy us – yet somehow appear to have passed our partners by.
They are rooted in the basis that women live their lives by numbers. Just not the same numbers as men. The reason I can’t recall the year of the Battle of Bosworth or the War of Jenkins’ Ear is because my hippocampus is crammed with other dates: family weddings, anniversaries, christenings, sister-in-laws’ birthdays.
I happen to think they are more important – you can’t just google those dates – but we agree to differ. Clothes shopping involves another set of figures altogether because the differences in sizing from brand to brand are – outrageous, actually.
Right this minute I am wearing a size 10 dress from Zara and a size 6 cardigan from Oliver Bonas. In Karen Millen I am a 12. In Whistles I’m probably a 14 – I gave up trying anything on years ago – and in H&M I am anywhere between an extra small and a large at any given time.
Multiply that by the number of fashion stores on the high street and… now you know why women like me have little choice but to order multiple sizes for delivery and then return half of them, to the tune of £6.6 million a year.
Judging from the reaction of my spouse you’d think that £6 million’s worth was down to me alone. But moving on.
More numbers: over a lifetime a woman will spend upwards of £5,000 on period products according to Superdrug. That includes painkillers, underwear and chocolate (other calorific comfort foods are also available).
The cost of womanhood continues: Co-operative Bank research has revealed women pay nearly 40 per cent extra for essentials on average. This is a gender-based pricing practice known as “the pink tax”, on account of the iniquity of the fact that a blue razor costs £2.66, whereas a pink one is £3.27 – a 23 per cent price differential.
It gets even more iniquitous; a basic men’s shower gel will set a bloke back £1.04. The fruity-scented women’s equivalent? A whopping £5.49 – a 428 per cent price difference.
In what universe is that fair? The same one in which current calculations have concluded the gender pay gap between men and women won’t be closed for another 45 years.
Like I said, it’s a numbers game. Just one that’s not much fun for the women compelled to play it.